I had a conversation with a very dear friend to me in the past week and she asked (you know who you are and I hope you are reading) if I still use xanga.  You know senior year of high school I used xanga a great deal.  I think it was to cope with what seemed to be these drastic changes in my life.  As I adjusted to college I found myself needing to write less and less.  I think this feeling was misunderstood.  Instead it was a desire to close myself up real tight.  To barricade my inner self, thoughts, feelings and emotions and pad it with an exterior that was consumed with unreal expectations, hard work and a constant state of business.  For the first time since I stopped writing in my xanga account, I have let myself think.  I find myself constantly repeating the mantra "that is not for me" and "stop thinking" because well it falls into a third mantra "not helping" made famous in a Diane Sawyer interview with the wife of the late Randy Pausch.  I don't know what happened to me but I feel like my inner self is very much depleted.  It is not the same as when I managed to barricade what I had left of myself many years ago. I can't believe it has been 4 years and all my hard work and dedication and kindness and strong belief have not seemed to help my frazzled and damaged spirit and self.  I always believed that some opportunity would come around if I just worked hard enough.  If I just dedicated myself enough and instead I feel like a little tug boat lost at sea.  The anchor is heavy and I am in the middle of a huge sea with just me.  Some days the water is calm and peaceful and these days cause the least to no damage to my boat but the days in which the seas are choppy and worst when the storm comes in, are far more frequent and cause the most damage.  They cause the most significant and unrepairable damage to the little tugboat.  Mind you it is weighted down by this huge anchor and unable to go anywhere even though it might try.  The little tugboat might try to change its mindset and face each day with whatever it may bring the most optimistic it can but the spirit of the tugboat is slowly being chipped away.  Making it harder and harder to deal with each struggle, with each battle and with each hardship.  Life has not been just or fair to this little tugboat.  Those that are better off might say well "life isn't fair" but that further induces these feelings of despair.  How many years must that tugboat endure before someone comes to save it?  How many years must that tugboat endure before it can be released from the anchor and sail on to help itself?

Saw Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston today- they were shooting some extra scenes for The Breakup.
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Some people are overly uptight and really need to loosen up... I hate it when people are overly critical and want you to work on their standards. psh!